A handful of times each year, Mike and I are invited by Hayley Tenpas of WHBY’s Focus Fox Valley radio show to discuss a topic relevant to kids and parenting. Last week, we had the opportunity to talk about the temptation of wanting to be friends with our children versus the more difficult parenting role. Hayley has younger kids, and our kids are mostly older, so we were able to talk through the issue from several different perspectives. She shared that she is still in the honeymoon phase with her little ones as they still think she is ‘cool’ and the best mom in the world; she is also aware, however, that as time moves on, navigating the troubled waters of the parent/child relationship will become much more difficult.
When our children were younger – up to 2nd grade or so – maintaining a positive relationship was fairly easy. There were constant conflicts and discipline required, but most of our parenting energy was devoted to chasing them around and making sure they stayed safe. At the end of a tantrum or a difficult day, they always came back to snuggle in our laps to read a book or to just sit together, and all was right with the world. At that age, the little ones have an innate understanding that parents want what is best for them and will protect them from the trials and dangers of the world.
As our kids grow up, the challenges presented by the world outside become far more complex. Elementary school and middle school are a time for growing independence, social interaction, and discovering where one fits in this complicated puzzle of life. During this time of transition, our role as parents changes dramatically as well. The physical exhaustion that we had become accustomed to, due to lack of sleep or following a toddler around the house, morphs into emotional and psychological fatigue as parents begin to understand that they can no longer control every aspect of their children’s lives.
During this time of transition, our children begin to see themselves as unique individuals, less dependent on mom and dad. A conflict begins to develop as the simple word ‘no’ needs to be replaced by explanations and reasoning that many times the child is unwilling or unable to understand. The ‘friendship’ that Hayley described with her children begins to unravel. This transition can be very difficult for parents; the tantrum-throwing third grader who did not get the shoes that he wanted or the sobbing 12-year-old who was not allowed to attend the sleep-over at the new kid’s house can try the nerves of even the most seasoned parent. Just saying ‘yes’ would be so much easier, and we would be liked again – for the moment. But our job is far more important than taking the easy way out or being liked by a hormonal teenager. We are called to do the right thing for our children every time, no matter how it may feel.
The high school years can be even more traumatic, and parent/child relationships can swing wildly from one extreme to another. Celebrate the good moments, but always be prepared to weather another storm that is sure to come along. Our children need, most of all, to know that home is a place of consistency, structure, and love. Do your best to tell your child why you made your decision and how it is in his/her best interest but know that the most logical and well-intentioned explanation in the world most likely will not be enough. Be prepared for extended silent treatments, grumpy attitudes, and comparisons to ‘better’ parents.
As you ride the parenting rollercoaster, simply be available for your teenager. Being home when they are home, versus working all the time or taking up time-consuming hobbies, will open the door for conversations when your child needs you. These talks may be few and far between, but when they happen, they can be tremendously valuable and a relationship builder. In some cases, just listen, like a friend would, and maybe ask a thought-provoking question or two; however, do your best to resist the temptation to give advice or instruction in some situations.
Single parents are especially susceptible to embracing friendship over parenting, as single parenting can be an extremely lonely undertaking. In our work at Life Tools Tutoring, as well as our interactions with parents of our children’s friends, we have been blessed to know some powerful single parent warriors. These individuals have the strength and discipline to do the right thing for their students, no matter how difficult.
As we are now parents of adults in their twenties, we have the privilege of connecting with them on a new level, much closer to a friendship. They continue to seek our assistance and advice, and it is still our responsibility to provide consistency and structure in our lives here at home. But, as we know that we can no longer tell them what to do, our conversations now include sharing, listening, asking, giving advice, and just enjoying each other’s company.
The truth of the matter is that friendship and parenting are very different. When your two-year-old crawls up into your lap, she is not doing that out of friendship, but out of trust and a need for security. A confused teenager needs consistent, honest, and disciplined adults in their lives, not another confused, wishy-washy friend. Parenting is so much more than friendship. It is a responsibility to do what is right for the child, even when it means sacrificing ourselves or getting the cold-shoulder for a time.