At first blush, the topic of forgiveness may not seem to fit perfectly in a Kids 101 article. Forgiveness is more often discussed in religious circles or in relation to adults dealing with past trauma or infidelities. However, asking for and bestowing forgiveness are critical skill sets that your children will require as they navigate the challenges that come with human interaction. If your children learn to be comfortable with both sides of the forgiveness coin, they will be happier and healthier adults who will be more likely to pursue their dreams and self-actualize.

That is the good news. The bad news is that forgiving and asking for forgiveness do not come naturally to most of us; in addition to being difficult, these conversations require us to engage another person at an intensely intimate level, often with outcomes that our outside of our control. Like most difficult activities in life, however, the payoff is worth the effort.

Fortunately, there are many innocuous and age-appropriate opportunities to introduce these tools to our children from a very young age. One of the most challenging learning curves for toddlers and pre-school children is interacting and sharing with other children. Parents of littles are very familiar with the squabbles that arise when a two-year-old takes a toy from an older sibling or the skirmishes that develop when a four-year-old unsuccessfully demands compliance from his younger sister. In some instances, pushing and shoving ensues, and crying or hysterics often follow. 

If one of your children does take a toy from another child or pushes another child down in anger, make these mistakes learning opportunities. Assuming the child is old enough to understand, have him or her apologize to the offended child. This does not have to be a dramatic or traumatic experience, but the child does need to say the words. Ideally, the offended child will respond with, ‘I forgive you’ or ‘That’s Ok’ so the apology is acknowledged and accepted. This simple act can be extremely difficult for kids and for adults, so be prepared to implement an appropriate punishment / time out until the apology is given.

For parents, this can be a painful process to watch, as the child begins to understand that the world does not revolve around him or her, and that the needs and wants of others will forever be part of their lived experience. Forgiveness can be a key to helping the young person to make this transition and to learn how to engage with others in a way that will build trust and security. The faster kids learn that they cannot have everything they want in life, the better adjusted and more content they will be.

An even more daunting task for parents is to demonstrate asking for forgiveness and offering forgiveness to our children, to our spouse, and to others. As we have mentioned before, more is caught than taught, so our children are far more likely to do as we do than do as we say. Most of us would wholeheartedly agree that parenting is a work in progress and that mistakes are a part of the process. After a particularly long or exhausting day, we have all overreacted or been overly harsh to one of our children for a minor infraction. There are few more powerful interactions you can have with a child who is feeling wounded and alone, than sitting that child on your lap, looking them straight in the eye, admitting that you were wrong, and asking for forgiveness. The humility and vulnerability that this simple act requires will make a lasting impact on your child, both in terms of your relationship and their ability to admit their own mistakes and make reparations when necessary.

Likewise, when a child lashes out at a parent or lies or comes in after curfew (for the sixth time), we must implement a proportional punishment and then emotionally put the infraction behind us. This means that it is incumbent upon us to treat that child with the same positivity and encouragement and kindness that we did before the infraction, no matter how angry or disappointed or worried that we are about that child. None of this is easy, but no one ever said parenting is easy.

Lastly, we as parents must be willing to ask forgiveness from our spouse or other adults who are close to us. In some cases, if the matter is a simple one, do not be afraid to apologize to your spouse at the dinner table in front of your kids. Your children will see strength, not weakness. Regarding other adults in our life, if we hang on to injuries that others have inflicted upon us and criticize those individuals, our children will learn that coping mechanism. A healthier approach is to forgive that individual, even if they never apologized, and to move on emotionally and psychologically. For safety’s sake, we may have to separate ourselves from that individual and limit contact, but that is a far better solution than allowing them to live rent-free as a cancer in our mind. 

Forgiveness is a gift we can give ourselves and others around us. Providing your children with this important gift will allow them to be free to thrive without carrying the weight of self-centeredness or wounds from others.