As both new and seasoned parents know all too well, raising kids can be extremely challenging. Kids do not come with an instruction manual, and every child has a unique personality and temperament, making parenting a wonderful adventure at its best and at other times a heart-wrenching battle. Decisions have to be made continuously regarding your child’s well-being. Some are small – like what healthy meal can we serve tonight; others are much more impactful – like how do we monitor his phone or how can we help her choose a positive friend group. One strategy to assist parents in making wise and healthy choices for their children is to take some time to discover the ‘why’ behind your decision-making process. Try to understand what is motivating your parenting style and then take additional time and discussion to re-set your ‘why’ if necessary for the long-term wellbeing of your kids.
Let’s investigate some possible ‘why’ motivators that may not be in the best interest of your child long-term and how to flip that ‘why’ to a healthier mindset.
Understandably, fear drives the decision-making process for many parents. I don’t want my child to be bullied, or struggle with making friends, or have less stuff than their peers. The real world can be a complicated and merciless jungle, and most of us have unpleasant recollections of childhood trauma and sadness that affect the choices we make for our kids. Fear, though, is from the devil.
Parents that try too hard to protect their child become smothering helicopters that stifle a young person’s ability to trust him/herself and develop a healthy sense of independence. Moms are generally the worst offenders in this category, as mom hurts every time the child hurts, but dads can fall in to this trap as well; some dads will attempt to manipulate their child’s sports teams/coaches to make sure Jimmy’s team never loses, or will force Jimmy to train/practice/travel way beyond his interest level to ensure Jimmy is a stand-out in this or that sport or activity.
Instead, parents could change their ‘why’ to, ‘I want to empower my child, so she becomes a strong adult, confident in her own abilities.’ Allow your children to experience difficulty, and loss, and disappointment, and then provide them with coping skills that allow them to learn from these challenges and to become stronger as a result. Stand next to your children, not over the top, and teach them what it means to be ok with who they are, regardless of what sports they play or whether or not they hang with the A group.
Other parents may have struggled financially growing up and they make decisions out of financial fears. Some parents devote their entire lives to work and income building so their children have more toys, more vacations, and a better house than their neighbors and classmates. Other parents hyper-focus on academics, driving their children to take every AP class in high school, ace their ACT / SAT, and study obsessively with the dream of attending the best university and obtaining a high-income career.
Instead, parents can change their ‘why’ to, ‘I want to assist my child to discover a career and vocation that provides them fulfillment and sufficient financial stability’. Spend your energies ensuring that your children have a strong academic foundation and then expose them to a variety of career choices and life experiences so they can discover an occupation that matches with their skill sets and personality. In this quickly changing world, give them the tools and confidence that will allow them to make choices out of strength, not fear. Life is not about money: life is about people. Perhaps we can help our kids re-discover this reality.
Another subconscious but damaging parenting ‘why’ is, ‘I want to do what’s easiest for me right now at this moment’. When you finally get to sit on the couch after an exhausting day of work and/or taking care of the children, and your three-year-old is misbehaving for the umpteenth time, getting off that couch to discipline that child takes a herculean strength. Or, when doom scrolling on your phone for just a few minutes feels right, but your middle school daughter is hovering and you know something is on her mind, setting the phone down can take every ounce of will power you have.
The parenting ‘why’ that is best for your children is a tough one – ‘My life is not about me; my life is about my kids’. Every minute of every day, this needs to be true. Sure, you can still go out on date nights, or go off on a girls’ weekend, or work out or have a hobby, but your primary focus should always be raising strong, confident, self-assured leaders in difficult world that is desperate for them. By living a life dedicated to the other, you will find your purpose and in turn model this lifestyle to your kids.
The very best parenting ‘why’ for you and your children is, ‘What would God have me do in this situation’. If you earnestly and continuously ask for God’s guidance in raising your children, He will never disappoint. This will require quiet time, alone with God, away from the noise of the world. Often, in fact in most instances, His answers will be very different from the answers you will find on social media. This ‘why’ will allow you to parent with confidence, through the laughter and the tears, knowing that you and God are doing what’s best for your children.