Recently, Mike and I hosted some old friends who were in town visiting family. We caught up on the past year’s activities, including what the children were up to, how the grandchildren were doing, work, and travel. As the night went on, we began to reminisce about how hectic life was with a house full of young children and the challenges that we faced trying to raise strong and virtuous adults. The gal that was visiting paused at one point and recollected, “We still tell our kids, even those that are out of the house, ‘All that you need to do is the next right thing.’” Her point was that we can overcomplicate our lives by always looking at the big picture and over-analyzing where we’ve been and where we’re going; conversely, if we could simplify and focus on making a wise decision on the next situation that presents itself in our lives, all would be well.
As we look back over the past few decades of raising kids and making our way in the world, we’ve found that adage to be very true in our own lives. We also realize, unfortunately, that the next right/wise decision is most often the most difficult choice of the options available. When our children were little, and Mike and I were physically exhausted, there were many opportunities to put this life guide into action. If one of the kids was misbehaving or testing boundaries, the easy choice would have been to holler from the couch repeatedly, hoping for a positive response. The right thing, the wise response, was to physically get off the couch and engage the child directly, then take the toy away or place the child in time-out. Short-term, sitting on the couch seemed like the best decision, but we knew that the long-term outcome for both ourselves and our children would be infinitely better if we were consistently proactive with our discipline.
As young parents, we were committed to the idea of regular family dinners, in spite of the busyness of our lives. Turning this idea into a reality required ‘doing the next right thing’ every day. Although putting out cold cereal on a regular basis, or throwing in a pizza, or ordering burgers would have been easier, we made the decision (most days) to plan a meal, defrost a protein, and prepare a healthy meal for the family. There were more times than we would like to admit that deciding to make dinner took a tremendous amount of willpower in the face of all the other tasks competing for our time and attention. In retrospect, regular family dinners have had a profoundly positive impact on our family.
Our children are always watching us, and they are learning this ideal from you in ways that you may not even be aware of. You may not necessarily find complete fulfillment in your job, but you get up every day at 6am and you do what needs doing. Your children are learning that doing what I want, and doing the next right thing, often are at odds with each other. Tomorrow morning, you may want to roll over and text in sick, but you know that the financial well-being of your family is dependent on today’s decision to drag yourself out of bed and get to work, no matter what you are feeling. This also applies to how much / what we eat, our exercise plan, our use of alcohol or other drugs, how we keep house, etc. Our phones can be the enemy of our best laid plans. Sitting in a comfortable chair and doom scrolling for hours will prevent you from doing the next right thing… and your children are watching.
This life strategy also applies to our relationships with others and small and large decisions that we make every day. Sometimes lying, even small lies, will make our lives easier in the here and now. Small lies eventually lead to bigger lies, and eventually our integrity has washed away. Your children will learn about trust from you and will do what you do. Letting your conscience be your guide is generally a great rule of thumb. If the small voice inside of you is telling you to go visit your mother across town instead of watching the rest of the baseball game or the Netflix series, shut the screen down and get moving. If you notice your next-door neighbor is struggling to clear the snow from their driveway, go lend a hand. If your good friend, who was just recently divorced, pops into your head, take a moment to check in with a text or a quick phone call.
We are forced to make hundreds of decisions every day; commit yourself to making the right decision every time, every day. Although a perfect record is not possible, you will eventually develop habits that will allow you, your family, and your community to flourish.