Although cable television has very little to offer in regard to substantive programming, since our family ‘cut the cord’, our viewing options have been extremely limited. One oldie-but-goodie that we started watching again is a show called Supernanny, which originally aired in the early 2000’s. For those not familiar, the show follows Jo Frost as she visits families across the United States and Great Britain assisting parents to take control of their children and create a loving and peace-filled home. Although Jo has no children of her own, she is very perceptive and offers very practical and time-tested strategies for parents who are struggling.
As Mike and I watched a few of the episodes, we were struck by the fact that we utilized many of those strategies in our parenting approach and our parents also used many of those same techniques to raise their families. Technology is advancing at lightning speed and the world is changing rapidly, but at the same time, kids are still kids and there is no need to re-invent the wheel when it comes to discipline and a healthy family.
Much of each episode is focused on unruly or out-of-control children and their parents who are at their wits end. Jo spends several days with the family and observes how the kids behave, how the parents interact with the children, and how the parents communicate with each other. She then comes up with a plan for the parents to implement, with her assistance, that usually includes a listing of house rules. The house rules may include items like no backtalk, no swearing, respect each other, no hitting, etc. For larger families with older children, Jo may also create a list of responsibilities or household chores for each of the family members.
Once these lists are created (and usually transferred to a large piece of poster board that is taped to the wall), the entire family sits together to go through the expectations and responsibilities so that everyone understands his/her role in creating a stable and joy-filled home. If one of the children forgets a rule or chooses to disregard a chore, a warning is given; if the misbehavior continues, an agreed-upon punishment will be given. The punishment can include a time-out, a loss of privilege, or in some cases, a smaller allotment of the ‘fun money’ the children could ‘spend’ at the end of the week for rewards.
The time-out is a strategy that Jo uses in almost every episode with astounding success. Keeping in mind that there is a certain amount of sensationalism added for dramatic effect, there are many episodes that document children swearing, kicking, spitting, screaming, slamming doors, and generally creating havoc. The parents, in turn, are a mix of screamers, naggers, whiners, absentees, and those on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Jo’s biggest struggle in righting the ship is encouraging and, in some cases, outright demanding that parents ‘man-up’, get off their backsides, and do what needs doing, every minute of every day.
The time-out area could be a chair placed against the kitchen wall, a stair step, or a ‘cool-down room’ that has been stripped of anything that a child might try to entertain themselves with. Again, the process starts with expectations, so every child knows what is allowed in the house and what is not. If a warning is ignored, the child is asked to go sit (or is physically placed) in the time-out area. A timer is then set – one minute for every year of age. If the child gets up from the time-out area, the timer starts over. Unfortunately, as Supernanny documents, even with clearly articulated expectations, the introduction of time-outs can be a challenging and lengthy process, especially the first couple of times. In one episode, the child got up and was placed back down for over an hour before finally resigning himself to sitting until the timer beeped. Amazingly, by the second or third infraction, the child sat immediately in the time-out area and stayed there for the allotted time. When the time-outs are over, the parent is instructed to come down to the child’s height, explain (in a calm but firm tone) again why he/she was in time-out, ask for an apology, and then give a hug. The parents are also reminded that after the time-out, they cannot hold a grudge or be crabby toward that child. After the hug, all is forgiven, and everyone moves on.
Similarly, some parents struggled with children sleeping in the parents’ bed or bedtime routines that went on for hours. The strategy that Jo provides is very similar to the time-out strategy. Specifically, Jo instructed the parents to explain to the children how the bedtime routine would work, include relaxing activities like reading a book, and then tuck them into their own beds. Again, expect push-back as developing new habits for kids or adults can be difficult. Jo had one of the parents remain in the bedroom, sitting on the floor, facing away from the children after they were tucked in. If a child got out of bed, the parent would say nothing but put the child back in bed. Continue to do this (up to an hour in one episode) until the child falls asleep. After a few nights of this, a new routine will be established and the parent will no longer need to sit in the room.
The keys to Jo’s approach and all successful parenting techniques are clear expectations, showing confidence and authority in a calm but firm tone, and then following through with discipline every single time. Unfortunately, phones, Netflix, busyness, and shear laziness will undo even the best laid plans. When action is required, a few moments of mindless entertainment or distraction may seem like the easiest choice but will ultimately result in chaos in the home. When parents provide structure, consistency, and full engagement, home will become a place of belonging, contentment, and peace. It’s the New Year – make the change!