As we celebrate moms and motherhood this month, we would like to salute single moms (and dads) in a special way. Being a single parent is an incredibly difficult vocation that takes courage, fortitude, and commitment. The single moms and dads that we have been fortunate to meet over the years through Life Tools Tutoring are selfless warriors who are singularly focused on providing their children with the tools and skills to be successful and fulfilled.
We all can agree that parenting, even in a traditional two-parent home, can be a rollercoaster of ups and downs emotionally, psychologically, physically, and intellectually. Single parenting has an additional set of challenges that can make parenting overwhelming.
The main challenge these individuals need to contend with is loneliness, both personally and from a parenting perspective. As Mike and I have regularly noted over the years, when one of us is distracted or tired, or emotionally exhausted, we lean on each other to pick up the parenting slack. Raising kids, both young and older, requires parents to be focused 24/7 and single parents shoulder this burden alone. As parenting is a learned skill, Mike and I have regular discussions regarding how to deal with a particular challenge with one of the kids or an issue with the family unit, and we come to a consensus with input from both of us. Single parents sometimes struggle with self-doubt regarding their parenting decisions as they do not have that sounding board.
Single parents who are widowed, divorced, or co-parenting have extreme limitations on their social lives and their ability to meet someone new. Conscientious single parents are very cautious about bringing home a boyfriend or girlfriend to meet the kids as they realize that the relationship may be short-lived and ultimately detrimental to the kids. Some have even decided that dating is off the table until the youngest turns 18 and is out of the house. These parents also realize that their kids are not their friends, and that being the bad guy is sometimes their role. Being a single parent in a home with a teenager throwing a silent treatment tantrum can be very unsettling. In spite of the fact that this loneliness can be overwhelming, the single parents we know are fantastically tough and other-focused.
Juggling schedules is also extremely challenging for single parents between work, personal appointments, household responsibilities, and kids’ school, extracurricular activities, and appointments. Being the sole bread winner of a household provides additional pressure to keep the employer happy and not rock the boat with schedule changes or special requests for time off. Supporting a home and a family on a single income can be difficult and there is not always time to cook at home or look for the deals at the grocery store.
Many single parents we know have to deal with the children’s other parent in some fashion, which often makes life more difficult instead of easier. Differing discipline and lifestyle expectations can be confusing for kids and can lead to ongoing disagreements and tension in the home. The other parent may be distracted by a new spouse, a new family, addiction, etc. that will place even more pressure and a feeling of increased guilt on the primary parent.
That having been said, we are privileged to know many single parents who have raised strong, morally upright, successful young men and women. Although their personal stories differ, their parenting styles are similar.
An overriding quality trait that these individuals possess is tenacity. They are steadfastly committed to their kids, and their personal wants and needs are always second to the needs of their children. They are also extremely disciplined. With so many balls in the air, there is very little room for slacking, being distracted, or taking time-off, and these warriors do what needs doing every hour of every day.
Surrounding themselves with a strong network of friends, sometimes family, and sometimes church communities is another common characteristic that allows them to be successful. The single moms know that their sons need a strong male role model in their lives, and they work hard to find quality men in their network to fill that role. Sometimes these are uncles or grandfathers or friend’s fathers or a volunteer from Big Brothers Big Sisters. The single men do the same for their girls.
This network also provides the critical sounding board that these parents need to boost their confidence in the parenting decisions they are making or provides another prospective when talking through those decisions. Most importantly, this network offers a social outlet and comradery that is essential to single parents surviving and thriving.
If you know a single parent, lend a hand if you are able. Offer to take the kids for the day or maybe for an evening so mom or dad can enjoy a night out. Be there just to listen and provide advice (if asked). Bringing over a simple home-cooked meal will be more appreciated than you will know. Or just simply provide mom or dad with some words of encouragement or a compliment for one of their kids.
For you single parents, just keep doing the next right thing. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.