Saying Goodbye

Posted on by mvoet2013

As August wraps up and the Packers season kicks off, many college freshmen are preparing to leave home and begin a new life experience away from parents, family and friends.  This can be a very exciting and somewhat traumatic time for both students and parents alike. 

The first and probably most important step in assisting your soon-to-be college student to be a thriving, independent young adult, is to allow them to take the lead in preparing for college.  The process can be a bit overwhelming, so stay close and be willing to help when needed; however, avoid the temptation to drive the bus, even if you could do everything more efficiently and effectively.  If your child is wondering what she needs to pack, direct her to her college’s admissions page or have her generically Google, ‘What should I pack for college’.  Encourage her to communicate with her roommate(s) to coordinate who is bringing what furniture and who is moving in when.  This will take some of the anxiety out of move-in day and will allow for the roommates to get to know each other a bit before they begin living together in a smallish dorm room for the next nine months. 

Although parents can use this preparation time to share cautionary instructions like ‘make sure you always walk with a partner at night’ and ‘drinking too much can have very bad consequences’ or ‘you’ll need to study two hours for every one hour you’re in class’, try not to dwell on your fears. First, know that the admissions staff at the college will cover all of these topics thoroughly during the orientation process.  Secondly, trust that the foundation you have laid over the past 18 years of your child’s life has equipped him with the tools necessary to process information and make wise decisions as he navigates his new world.  Be positive and encouraging, letting him know that he is going to do great things, meet wonderful new friends, and discover who he is in the process.

And know that he will make mistakes; much of what we learn over the course of our lives is a result of mistakes that we have made along the way; if you hover too closely, you will be depriving your student of those opportunities to fail and then emerge stronger because of the failure. 

For you ‘first time’ parents, drop off day will most likely be a whirlwind of emotions.  Your job is to do your best to keep it together until you get back in your car to make the trip back home.  Long, drawn out, tear-filled goodbyes with lots of last-minute advice need to be avoided.  Smiles, quick hugs, and maybe a slap on the back will give your student the emotional stability she will need as she begins to adapt to her new environment.  Although the next several weeks will be challenging for you, avoid the temptation to text with your child.  If she reaches out with a specific question, answer the question and push ‘send’.  If she is having second thoughts or is homesick, reiterate that she is going to be great, to hang in there and to get involved in orientation activities.  In most cases, the fewer the words coming from parent texts, the faster your child will transition. 

For those of you who will be empty nesters in the near future, you need to begin discerning God’s next role for you.  If you are married, that could mean reconnecting with your spouse in a way that was not possible with kids and kid commitments.  Take some time to discuss what a dream future would look like for the two of you (travel, hobbies, cottage, etc.) and then take steps to make those dreams a reality.  Also, challenge yourself to find ways to use your time and talents to improve the world around you.  If you loved being a parent, there are many children in your community who are desperate for a mentor, a tutor, or just a friendly face and a willing listener.  Take some quiet prayer time to see what good God needs you to do.  Although your children may need you less, the world needs you more.

Saying goodbye to a child who is moving on can be confusing and challenging.  Our identity as parents is intimately tied to our children and the time we spent raising and nurturing them.  Take this time of transition to be thankful for having been chosen to fill this awesome responsibility, pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and then look ahead to see what else life has in store for you.  

Stay-at-Home Moms (or Dads)

Posted on by mvoet2013

Many of us in the 40 or over category have the shared experience of having stay-at-home moms for at least a portion of our childhood years.  Dad went off to work each day, and mom ran the house.  She was responsible for everything from household finances to grocery shopping to kids’ schedules to cleaning, cooking and discipline.  There was a strong sense of consistency and structure for my siblings and I, and whether it was summertime or school time, my mother was always present in the home (at least until my teenage years), creating order from the chaos of raising five children.  If we had a question, or a problem, or were sick, she was always available, and we were her top priority and full-time job.  Home was not necessarily an exciting place, and it didn’t always look like Leave it to Beaver, but it was a safe place and a constant in a world of change.

Much has changed over those 40 years regarding parenting roles and the focus on childrearing, but are our children generally better off today than we were back then?  Is it possible to raise healthy, well-adjusted children when both parents are focused on demanding, stressful, full-time occupations outside of the home?  You can bring that question to your next cocktail party or family dinner for some lively discussion.  For today though, should we consider re-opening the door to the possibility of one parent staying home, at least for a time, to raise their children?

Unfortunately, according to recent studies, nearly half of all children born in the past year were born to unmarried parents.  For these children, even if the father is in the picture, the odds of these families surviving long-term under one roof are extremely small.  So, before we can even talk about the possibility of a stay-at-home-parent, we must raise our sons and daughters to make choices with the assumption of a life-long marriage commitment.  There have been truckloads of so-called experts who have revolutionized the discussion of sexual intimacy over this same time period, all to the detriment of women, families, and children.  Teach your children that if they are not interested in getting married (forever) and committing themselves primarily to the raising of children, to avoid sexual intimacy.  Free sex and strong kids do not go together.

Another deterrent to the stay-at-home parent role is the major hit that marriage has taken since Woodstock.  Even if the mom and dad have college degrees or a very marketable set of skills, individuals now have a new level of vulnerability in regard to leaving the workforce for an extended period of time.  What if my spouse should leave me?  Could I find a job outside the home?  My earning potential is certainly not going to go up if I’m out of the game for 10 years.  Again, we need to teach our teenagers to choose wisely when looking for spouse; choose generous over wealthy, hard-working over successful and self-less over well-dressed.

Even if a child is born to married parents who are in it for the long-haul, is it possible to financially afford raising a family with a single income?  The short answer to that question is definitely ‘yes’.  Our children can get confused as to where they fit in the world because they don’t start paying attention to finances until their teenage years; they have no recollection of the lean years that the family went through when they were younger; they have come to expect that a car for every driver and a very nice family vacation every year is a given.  If finances are / were tight for you or your family, share that experience with your teenagers.  Walk them through the sacrifices that were necessary and the how you and your spouse had to depend on each other.  Tell them about all of the wonderful family memories that were created when you all just had each other. 

See to it that your teenagers / young adult children avoid digging themselves into a hole that makes stay-at-home parenting impossible.  Do not let them graduate from college with tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt; help them choose a career field that they would enjoy but that also pays them enough money to support a family; advise them to avoid purchasing that $60,000 pick-up truck several days after graduating from high school or college.  Making difficult but wise decisions as young people will give them the freedom to choose as they begin to build their families.

There are also many cost-saving strategies that make stay-at-home parenting possible.  Dave Ramsey, an internationally known finance guru, has many resources and step-by-step processes for you to use; a few of these include: create a budget so you know exactly where your money is going; only use cash / debit card and cut up your credit cards so you feel every dollar you spend; cut coupons, make your own meals and shop on Craigslist and Facebook marketplace; find a part-time job that allows you work from home or after the working spouse returns home.  Most importantly, keep your eyes focused inwardly on your family and forget about keeping up with your friends or neighbors.  Their lives are not nearly as wonderful as they appear on social media.

Our children face unprecedented influences from a world that is in no way interested in their personal well-being or fulfillment.  Now is the time for us as parents to reclaim our responsibility as the primary educators and mentors of our children.  They need us desperately.

Integrity

Posted on by mvoet2013

Who am I and what makes me who I am?  This is a question as old as humanity itself but is still as relevant as ever for our young people today.  

External characteristics define us to a certain extent, but society tells us that that we can and should continuously re-invent our outward appearance.  Western cultures provide a wide array of products and services to allow us to redefine ourselves, from hair dyes to steroids to tattoos to colored contacts to plastic surgery.  The challenge with playing the game is that styles and fads come and go, so a body shape or body accessory or a lifestyle that is popular today will most likely be thrown out and replaced five years from now.  Additionally, if we fully commit to the game to impress the Joneses, we will lose respect for ourselves and those characteristics that make us uniquely and wonderfully ourselves. 

We do not have to look far to see the devastating effects this process is having on our young people.  No longer is fashion the only driving force behind our students’ need to fit in.  With the advent of phones and social media came ‘influencers’ who, as a friend once told me, “are popular because they are popular”.  With an insatiable need for power and money, these ‘influencers’ promote strange and dangerous trends with no regard for the well-being of the children or young adults; in turn, our children view these ‘influencers’ as their ticket to the in-crowd.  Whatever feels good at the moment is definitely what you should do, even if that change is permanent and life changing.

Are our young people happier now?  If only.  As any conscious person in this country knows, anxiety is through the roof, suicides are skyrocketing, serious drug abuse is rampant and sexual deviance of every kind is on the rise.

But these influencers are not the problem in our world; they are just a natural symptom of and by-product of our collective loss of who we are as a people.  Who am I and what makes me uniquely me (on the inside) is a question we all need to be asking ourselves; we then need to allow that understanding to guide our lives. 

So where do we start.  Mike and I and our family look to God to answer that question, as so many generations before us have.  We know that we were made in the image and likeness of God and that we were made on purpose for a purpose.  Our physical features, our personalities, our talents and passions are not random happenings that can or should be changed; on the contrary, they should be celebrated and used for his glory.

Unfortunately, our human condition brings with it a fallen nature and a battle against darkness.  Again, God gives us the path to follow; do not lie, treat your neighbor as yourself, a life well-lived is one that is sacrificed for others, do not kill, keep holy the Sabbath, do not commit adultery, etc. etc.  As we are all weak, we live up to these ideals much better on some days than others; however, we can always go back to God for forgiveness and begin again. 

So, what if God is not your thing.  How do individuals create for themselves an internal set of morals or beliefs that will serve them well throughout their lives, regardless what the world around them is saying or doing?  You certainly can use the ten commandments as your starting point, because in spite of the arrogance of the current generation, human nature has not changed one bit over the past 4000+ years.  Begin by asking questions.  Is truthfulness important to me, and do I expect truthfulness from those around me?  If so, then work hard to be truthful in all your dealings, whether public or private.  Beyond that, do your homework.  Research the important topics of our day and find the Truth.  Do you believe that human life begins at conception, when the baby is born, or at some point in between? Do you believe that humans are primarily good or primarily evil?  Do you believe that your purpose on earth is for pleasure and gain, or to care for and support others?  Is your belief based on facts / wisdom, or convenience? 

What we don’t do is look to wealthy corporations, or the government, or to social media influencers to define our moral compass.  The moral compass they provide spins in circles and stops only occasionally to point them to more money and more power.  A handful of years ago, social influencers told us that we couldn’t pray in public – now they are telling us that we must pray for an injured athlete.  Two years ago, the NFL made a marketing decision that the United States and its military were irreconcilably broken – today the NFL has kicked off a new marketing strategy celebrating the United States and the military. 

You and your children can be people of integrity with a strong moral compass.  Talk with mentors you know who seem to be whole and at peace and get their opinion.  Use the internet to sort through all the powerful voices and listen for the quiet Truth.  Pray if you are so inclined.  When you make that thought-filled determination on a particular issue or virtue, leaving aside your personal bias, then you are obligated to be true to that Truth – every day.

One additional note.  Some will say that all that is needed is for people to be to be kind and support others in whatever makes them happy.  Although it sounds nice, this concept is lazy and dangerous.  If your daughter was upset that one of her feet was bigger than the other and asked if she could have her left foot removed to make her happy, you certainly would not oblige.  Some choices are good and some are not, and the vast majority of right and wrong is based on Truth, not personal opinion. 

Mike and a couple of the boys have been watching the Hobbit / Lord of the Rings movies recently, and he shared with me a quote that speaks to integrity.  In the movie, The Hobbit, An Unexpected Journey, Gandalf the Wizard is asked by the Elf Princess why he brought Bilbo Baggins (small, defenseless, but steadfast and determined) along with him on his dangerous journey.  Gandalf replies, “Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found.  It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay.  Small acts of kindness and love.  Why Bilbo Baggins?  Perhaps because I am afraid, and he gives me courage.” 

May we and our children all work hard to discover our north star and then be unwavering in our commitment to our consciences, even in the small everyday deeds.  We will then be influencers in our families and communities and provide courage to others in a world that desperately needs clarity and strength.

Fear

Posted on by mvoet2013

Parenting is hard and can be overwhelming to new and to seasoned parents.  There is no rule book, and every child is very unique in regard to personality, temperament, and challenges.  The first new-born baby for a young couple comes with a bucketful of questions and frustrations. Toddlers, who are just beginning to express themselves and learn about their world, can keep parents on the edge of their seats both physically and emotionally.  Elementary school and the new social interactions that come with the pre-teen years provide a new obstacle course for mom and dad to navigate.  When our children hit their teenage years, hormones are raging and many of the realities of life are hitting home; we are unable to protect our kids from the tough spots that growing up inevitably entails.  As late teens and young adults, a strong need for independence mixed with an all-knowing arrogance can make parenting feel more like a mine field than an obstacle course. 

As Mike and I look back on some of those challenging times (and some that are currently presenting themselves), we have noticed that many of the parenting mistakes that we made over the years resulted from making decisions out of fear rather than using our brains.  Unfortunately, fear is part of the human condition; we cannot hope to avoid it, but we can be aware of it and manage it.  To manage fear effectively, parents will need reason, courage, and perseverance.

Our natural instinct when we are confronted with fear may be to react quickly and instinctively (aka: run).  If our two-year old is mounting a full-scale temper tantrum as she sits in the packed grocery cart demanding some candy from the store shelf, our immediate instinct is to tear into the package of candy to quiet the child down.  Although this may seem like a great choice in the short term, any parent who has survived raising toddlers will tell you that is exactly the wrong thing to do for the long-term wellbeing of the child and the parents.  The right approach to this challenge would be to stop/breathe/think (reason), take the child out of the cart and carry him/her screaming to the car (courage), and then listen to them cry for the next 15 minutes on the ride home (perseverance). 

Another area where we struggled with fear was dealing with medical issues with our children.  As neither of us are trained in the medical field, we felt somewhat inadequate when it came to deciding the correct course of action when medical decisions needed to be made.  We are big fans of the medical profession, and have many instances of how knowledgeable doctors or heroic nurses have made a tremendous difference in the lives of our children; however, medical professionals worth their salt will tell you there is far more they don’t know about the human condition than they know for certain.  Some medical issues are cut and dried, but many more are shades of gray.  Often, a pill or a medication is not the right answer, even if the doctor prescribes it (or the parent demands it).  Parents need to advocate for their children by doing their research, seeking second opinions, and being willing to do the hard work over the long term, when necessary, to raise healthy kids.

Teenage friends, social media, and dating will send a shutter down the spine of the most hardened of parents.  Talk about scary!  I’d much rather spend the afternoon with a circus clown  than relive some of those negative experiences with my children.  Again, rely on reason, courage, and perseverance when you find yourself in the middle of these emotional and sometime heartbreaking realities.  If your eighth grade son has made friends with a group of boys that may not treat him well or may be making bad choices, your first response may be, ‘well, as least he has a group of friends’.  Your fear of him being lonely or not in the ‘in-crowd’ may cloud your judgement.  Remember that your responsibility as parent is not the quick fix, but the long-term wellbeing of your children.  Assisting your son to move away from that group and find a new social circle can be slow, difficult, and painful at times.  Courage and perseverance do not fully describe the fortitude that is required in situations like this.  Parenting is hard. 

Sports is another category where fear rules the day.  Much time, effort and money is spent feeding fears like, ‘what if my son can’t play varsity basketball’ or ‘if I don’t get my daughter started with dance at the age of 6, she will never be able to catch up’.  Sports are great.  All of our kids played multiple sports and the teamwork and camaraderie they learned from sports are valuable life skills.  But we as parents need to keep our fears, including our fears of our childhood sports failures, in check when we decide what is best for our kids.  In some cases, we just need to walk through our fears.  ‘What if Jenny is not able to play varsity softball?’  Most likely, she will still be able to attend college or a trade school, get married, have kids, etc.  ‘If Sampson does not play AAU basketball, there is no chance that he will be able to get a D2 scholarship’.  Well, then, Sampson should probably get a part-time job in high school so he can afford college if he decides to go.  One of our sons was never on a winning Little League team, but he had better coaches and more character-building opportunities during those years than any of our other sons who had many winning seasons. 

Fear is of the devil.  God tells us not to be afraid over 365 times in the bible.  We cannot erase fear from our lives, but we can manage it.  Recognizing fear is the first step in the process.  Then take back the power from fear using reason, courage and perseverance to make the right choices for your child.

Helping Your Student with Math

Posted on by mvoet2013

Here at Life Tools Tutoring, over half of the students that we work with are struggling in math.  The parents that call us are anxious and frustrated.  Many have attempted to work with their child at the kitchen table, only to have the session end in arguing or tears.  Some of our parents had negative math experiences when they were children, and others have labeled themselves ‘bad at math’ which effectively, in their minds, lets them off the hook. 

We can all agree that a certain level of math proficiency is essential in today’s world, regardless of your chosen profession.  Skills like being a wise shopper, understanding the real cost of loans, completing simple construction projects, etc. all require math knowledge.  In addition, many occupations use math every day, including engineering, accounting, insurance, finance and many positions in the medical field, to name a few.  As we mentioned in a previous article, math proficiency rates in the state of Wisconsin are hovering below the 30% rate.  Most of our kids are graduating high school without the requisite understanding of math to be successful.

So what can we, as parents, do to assist our students to become proficient in math and possibly even enjoy math?  For some parents, the first step is to stop and breathe.  Of all the dragons you will be required to slay as a parent, math class will not fall in the top ten; more importantly, God put you in charge of your child, so you have the skill sets and intellect required to guide your student to maximize his/her math potential.

That having been said, math curriculum, even at the youngest elementary school levels can be unique and unrecognizable in some cases.  Some school districts have adopted visual learning strategies to help young people see how numbers relate to real world scenarios and how to manipulate numbers in a variety of ways. The problem here is that many of us are not familiar with these new strategies; moreover, as homework has become a thing of the past for many schools, parents may be in the dark regarding how their students are being taught, and how they can help. 

Parents, we need to be proactive.  If the teacher is communicating well, outlining curriculum and providing ‘how to’ instructions for new math strategies, we to need fully engage with these tools.  We must take the time to learn these strategies and work with our students in the evenings to make sure they are understanding and keeping up.  If the written instructions are confusing, the internet will most likely have video explanations for you to follow.  (Check out the Life Tools Tutoring YouTube video to learn about ‘box multiplication’).  For teachers out there, actively engage your parents in the process; although it will require more effort in the short term, your students will find much more success utilizing this army of at-home educators.

Again, we must remember that education begins at home.  Addition, subtraction, multiplication and division flash cards are an excellent way to reinforce what your student is learning in the classroom.  Five minutes of practice in the evenings should be more than enough time to develop proficiency.  If your student is struggling with a particular concept, reach out to the teacher and ask for additional worksheets or practice problems that you can work through with your student.  Be sure to make this time together with your child relaxing and enjoyable; include snacks and don’t sweat it if some nights are more productive than others.  Make up real-world problems or questions that involve your child’s favorite cereal or use playing cards instead of flash cards.  As an aside, please also teach your young people about the value of coins – you might be surprised how little they know about them. 

As the middle school and high school years approach, parents become more and more intimidated with the idea of keeping up with their student’s math curriculum, much less assisting in the process.  We challenge you to step toward the problem; cast fear and/or laziness aside and do what needs doing.  Reach out to your student’s teacher to see what’s coming up in math class this month.  Borrow your own hard copy of the math textbook and self-teach if you need to.  “I was never good at math”, or “I don’t have the math gene” are comments that should not be verbalized, particularly in front of your student.  Although the internet is full of dark and dangerous spaces, the number of free math videos that are well-produced and easy to follow is simply staggering.  Or if the math is beyond your ability, search out a tutor (or a smart neighbor) to give your student a boost.

For those of you who are responsible for choosing math curriculum and textbooks for your school or district, please keep parents in mind.  As Life Tools tutors students from many different school districts, we can tell you that much of the math curriculum is confusing.  Moving forward, let’s try to find textbooks that teach the students how to work through a new concept and then provide four or five example problems to reinforce the concept.  The Socratic method (asking students questions until they come up with the right answer) is a great teaching technique for some subjects, but absolutely not for math.  Teachers, please provide digital slides from your lectures for students and parents to reference if needed.  When presenting a new concept, provide 20 or so problems on that concept for the student to work through so that they are able to lock down the strategy.  Mixing six or more math concepts on every homework assignment is confusing and demoralizing. 

We can get our students back on track with math and other subjects, but we as parents must step into the front lines.  Teachers are overwhelmed with challenges in the classroom, and they need our help.  Start today by asking your student what they are learning in math…and do it with a smile!

The Greatest Bedtime Story of All

Posted on by mvoet2013

Luke Ch. 3; Matthew Ch. 1 and 2.

Now, this is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about. When his mother Mary was engaged to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found with child through the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph, her husband, an upright man unwilling to expose her to the law, decided to divorce her quietly. Such was his intention, when suddenly the angel of the lord appeared in a dream and said to him: “Joseph, son of David, have no fear about taking Mary as your wife. It is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived this child. She is to have a son, and you are to name him Jesus because he will save his people from their sins.”

All this happened to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin shall be with child and give birth to a son, and they shall call him Emmanuel,” a name which means “God is with us.” When Joseph awoke, he did as the angel of the Lord had directed him and received her into his home as his wife.

In those days, Caesar Augustus published a decree ordering a census of the whole world. This first census took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria. Everyone went to register each to his own town. And so, Joseph went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to David’s town of Bethlehem – because he was of the house and lineage of David – to register with Mary, his espoused wife, who was with child.

While they were there, the days of her confinement were completed. She gave birth to her first-born son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the place where travelers lodged.

There were shepherds in that region, living in the fields and keeping night watch by turns over their flocks. The angel of the Lord appeared to them as the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were very much afraid. The angel said to them: “You have nothing to fear! I come to proclaim good news to you – tidings of great joy to be shared by the whole people. This day, in David’s city, a savior has been born to you, the Messiah and Lord. Let this be a sign to you: in a manger you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes.”

Suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in high heaven, peace on earth to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to one another: “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this event which the Lord has made known to us.” They went in haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the bay lying in the manger; once they saw, they understood what had been told them concerning this child. All who heard of it were astonished at the report given them by the shepherds.

After Jesus’ birth in Bethlehem of Judea, during the reign of King Herod, astrologers from the east arrived one day in Jerusalem inquiring, “Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We observed his star at its rising and have come to pay him homage.” At this news, King Herod became greatly disturbed, and with him all Jerusalem. Summoning all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Messiah was to be born. “In Bethlehem of Judea,” they informed him. “And you, Bethlehem, land of Judah, are by no means least among the princes of Judah, since from you shall come a ruler who is to shepherd my people Israel.”

Herod called the astrologers aside and found out from them the exact time of the star’s appearance. Then he sent them to Bethlehem, after having instructed them: “Go and get detailed information about the child. When you have found him, report it to me so that I may go and offer him homage too.”

After their audience with the king, they set out. The star which they had observed at its rising went ahead of them, until it came to a standstill over the place where the child was. They were overjoyed at seeing the star, and on entering the house, found the child with Mary, his mother. They prostrated themselves and did him homage. Then they opened their coffers and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

They received a message in a dream not to return to Herod, so they went back to their own country by another route.

Mary treasured all these things and reflected on them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, in accord with what had been told them.

From the Life Tools Tutoring family to yours, we wish you a blessed, joyful and peaceful Christmas season.

Career Exploration

Posted on by mvoet2013

There are few conversations more uncomfortable to witness than a well-meaning uncle or family friend asking a junior or senior in high school what they intend to do when they graduate. The vast majority of the answers are vague and impressive sounding: “My plan is to head off to Madison, but I’m not sure what I will be studying yet,” or, “For sure something in the medical field because I took a crime scene forensics class that I really liked.” Most of these answers involved very little research or introspection and were crafted for the benefit of the asker.

To be sure, some 17-year-olds know exactly what career they would like to pursue, and some have known from a young age. A percentage of these students have a very straight path from high school, through college or trade school, and into a successful livelihood. Even for these ‘lucky’ students, however, many of them find that the career field they knew they wanted was not everything they had hoped it would be, and they eventually decide to take a different path.

How strange that we, as a society, do very little to expose our young people to the ‘options’ that exist in the working world and yet stare at them expectantly when we ask them, “What’s your plan?”

This process can be a time of anxiety and confusion for many students, especially if we advise them to take out tens of thousands of dollars in student loans in order to figure out where they fit. In addition, a major reason that students are unmotivated in the classroom is that they have not identified what careers they might be interested in, and, as a result, are unable to connect the dots between high school academics and pursuing their career goals.

So how can we, as local communities, assist our high school students (and even our middle school students), to experience what career fields and specific positions the world has to offer? As a starting point, we need to avoid the temptation to put this urgent obligation on the shoulders of the schools. Most teachers and administrators would be very willing to be a strong collaborating partner in this effort, but as I wrote in a previous blog, the schools are already overwhelmed with mission creep, which is destroying proficiency scores. This effort should be led by the business community and parents and will ultimately provide many benefits for local community in the long run.

What might this Career Exploration program look like specifically? The first step in this process is to prioritize Career Exploration on-par with reading, math, physical fitness, and financial literacy. Career Exploration needs to be a significant part of a student’s ‘education’, even if it is not driven directly by the teachers. But what classes or activities would be sacrificed to make room for this addition? If we, as parents, have learned anything through the virtual leaning experience brought on by Covid, we are clear that there is ‘underutilized’ and in some cases ‘wasted’ time in our students’ school day.

Perhaps we can learn from some local communities who already have programs in place to give students first-hand exposure to work options. Many high schools provide hybrid school / work opportunities that allow students to learn in school in the morning and then investigate a trade by working part-time in the afternoons. The Kimberly School District has an innovative program that introduces students as young as elementary school to guest speakers from ‘the real world’, as well as comprehensive software programs that assist students in exploring their interests and abilities in the context of specific career fields.

Additionally, could we have our Sophomores and Juniors commit an afternoon a week to Career Exploration field trips that provide generic exposure to job opportunities or specific exposure to a targeted industry? What if every student was required to tour a local manufacturing facility to learn about operations, accounting, quality control, purchasing, logistics, management, and office administration? What if we provide our students with the chance to visit a local hospital or nursing home to visit with a nurse, a doctor, a lab technician, or an insurance administrator? What if we created a database of professional people who were willing to meet one-on-one for 30 minutes with a student who has narrowed his / her career search and is interested in asking specific questions to learn more? Even if this Career Exploration process only assists our young people to check the ‘No’ boxes (I’m not interested in that), how much further ahead would they be when the time came to choose a path forward.

I challenge community leaders, business leaders, parents, and school administrators to get the ball rolling by organizing a brain-storming session. As there have been some successes around this concept locally and nationally, let’s review best-practices and implement what works. The future of our country, the future of our businesses, and the future of our students are depending on us.

Love Your Kids by Loving Your Spouse

Posted on by mvoet2013

Over the past 40 years or so, the institution of marriage has had a tough road.  Nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce; many young people are opting out of marriage altogether, choosing instead to cohabitate indefinitely or to simply move from one relationship to another when things get tough; Hollywood and big media have made a mockery of marriage, viewing it as temporary or completely irrelevant.

Many families very close to us have gone through the trauma and heartbreak of divorce.  Lives are uprooted, blame is placed, relationships are bruised, trust is lost, and home becomes a moving target.  In many broken families, parents are forced to cooperate in the raising of the children, which can result in many years of frustration, resentment, and scheduling chaos.  The divorced parents we talk with struggle daily to insulate their children from these repercussions.  In far too many cases, one parent decides to opt out of the marriage, leaving the spouse no choice but to sign the papers and attempt to rebuild his / her life.

The data is clear that with the breakdown of the family unit comes real struggles for so many of our young people. Poverty, increased anxiety and mental health issues (including suicide), and sexual promiscuity are just a few of the challenges that face children that grow up in chaotic family structures.

That having been said, some of the strongest and most courageous people we know are single parents, many of whom have raised / are raising some of the most determined, bright, and self-assured young people that we know.  These parents are committed and selfless, every day, no matter what, with no spouse to lean on when the storms come.  These single moms and dads are generally tough on their kids because they know life is hard and being successful personally and professionally requires strength of mind and character.  Although they seldom complain, most would not wish the challenges and loneliness of single parenting or co-parenting on anyone.

Strong marriages are the core of strong families, and strong families are the foundation upon which strong societies flourish.

As we raise our young people, we need to educate them on the importance and challenges of married life both in word and example.  As Mike and I made our way through the marriage prep classes offered by our church years ago, the seasoned married couples that lead the instruction made it clear to us that being married is hard and takes daily commitment.  Our young people need to know that entering into a marriage covenant means self-sacrifice, not self-indulgence.  A Deacon shared with us that our responsibility as a married couple first and foremost is to get our spouse to heaven. 

Give God a Try

Posted on by mvoet2013

Parenting is not easy.  There is no handbook.  The moment you feel comfortable and have everything figured out, your next child will throw a whole new set of complexities into the equation, causing you to stagger back a few steps.  Our children are susceptible to all types of challenges, including cuts and broken bones, sickness, anxiety, learning challenges, bullying, loneliness, and broken hearts, and our job as parents is to protect them from those hurts as best we can.  Our young people are faced with hundreds of small and large decisions every day from what to wear, to what to eat, to who to spend time with, to what to do with that time, and they look to their parents for guidance and example in making those decisions. 

As Mike and I are working our way through raising five children and running a tutoring company for over 10 years, we have commiserated with many parents who were in the midst of a struggle with one or more of their children.  In sitting with these parents and walking with them through their heartbreak, and then sharing similar experiences we may have had with our own children, we realized that there is generally not a one-size-fits-all solution to these challenges. 

Every family unit is so unique, personalities are so diverse, and individual struggles are so complex, that in many cases we could only listen and assure the parents of our prayers and support through those challenges. 

In dealing with these challenges, parents are often desperate and look to all sort of remedies.  Some parents look to self-help parenting books, some choose therapy for their children, others choose medications, some take a hands-off approach, and some take a helicopter-parent approach.  What most of these parents have in common, regardless of their approach, is that they live with constant doubt and are regularly second-guessing themselves; they often switch from one remedy to the next, as new suggestions or quick-fixes come their way. 

As our children dealt with those same struggles over the years, and as they deal with struggles yet to come, we have and will continue to depend on God to walk with us and to guide us through those challenges.  To be clear, God is not a vending machine, where you can pay with prayer or tithing and then receive the answer or the result you are looking for.  God is far too wonderful and in love with us to make our relationship purely transactional.  Our experience with God has been a friendship crafted in heaven; it is a friendship with Truth and Love Himself. 

As God loves our children even more than we do, we know that His direction and guidance will ultimately result in what’s best for them, even if that direction is difficult or requires patience. 

So how does one develop that relationship with God?  Unfortunately, there is no 5-step program or pill to take.  The good news is that you can begin today, simply by having a conversation with God.  Share your fears and your frustrations and do not be afraid to ask God for what you want.  Share your joys and your blessings, your triumphs, and your failures.  Then be still.  Be quiet.  Listen.  God is there, God is here, and he will answer your prayers.  Pray for the grace to be open to God’s guidance and the strength to do what he asks.  He has not failed us.  This does not mean that our lives and the lives of our children are perfect; however, in those challenges we are full of peace and confidence that we are guiding our children as God would. 

Allow your children to see you praying.  Share with them why you are praying and what your relationship with God means to you.  Encourage them to create their own relationship with God and to walk with Him during the good times and the struggles.  Find other parents and a church community who will support you as you walk with God and will witness to you how He has impacted their lives.  In a world that is full of uncertainty and chaos, give your children the constancy and the sure mooring that only God can provide.  Your children will still have their challenges and they will still suffer, but they will have the assurance that God is a friend that is bigger than all the world.  After all is said and done, your job is to get your children to heaven. 

If you have tried all the solutions the world has to offer, but are still feeling unsettled, give God a try.  He’s been waiting for you.

Reading, ‘Riting, & ‘Rithmetic

Posted on by mvoet2013

While watching the local or national news over the past ten plus years, one cannot help but notice that school boards and administrators have been front and center dealing with a whole host of controversial issues.  Those issues include:

  • “How much sex / lifestyle choices / gender issues should be included in health class?”
  • “Is the school district offering sufficient mental health support for children as the suicide rates continue to rise?”
  • “Should BLM posters be hung in classrooms or is that supporting a political ideology?”
  • “Will the local elementary school be providing the expanded federally-funded breakfast / lunch / dinner program?”
  • “Should ‘school’ include full-day childcare for my three-year-old?”
  • “Does forcing my child to urinate in a cup for mandatory drug tests infringe on her first amendment rights?”
  • “Should we spend $60 million on the new high school building with a pool and an indoor workout facility, or just $55 million with no pool?”

As the education professionals will tell you, the list goes on and on and on. 

All of these issues have one thing in common: they have nothing to do with the original mission of the public school system which is to assist parents in teaching our children reading, writing, arithmetic, and the ability to reason.

To say that the public school system in the United States has been forced into mission creep is the understatement of the past 150 years.  The reason mission creep should be avoided at all costs is that as each new area of focus is added, organizations take their eyes off their primary purpose.  The data is frighteningly clear that math and reading proficiency in the United States has been steadily declining and our young people will surely suffer as a result.  Administrators, teachers, and parents can all agree that school system personnel are pulled in far too many directions and as a result are unable to do any of it well.

So who is responsible for this mission creep and how do we reclaim the lofty and unique calling of the public school system?  As with most national problems, there is a complex matrix of causes and players, and many of those involved had the best of intentions in mind.  Over the past 30 years, as various problems affecting our students have been identified, elected officials have defaulted to the school systems to fix all of these ills for the simple fact that the schools already had many of the kids in their buildings.  But it does take two to tango, and the schools chose to dance.  Because billions of federal, state, and local dollars chase all of these issues, school administrators, school boards, and teachers unions viewed these dollars as an easy way to pad budgets and increase salaries.  In addition, some teachers who possibly should have chosen social work or community activism as their career choice prefer these causes to ‘just teaching’.  Lastly, and probably most importantly, many parents are far too willing to place all of the responsibility of raising their children onto the schools and the professionals who work there.

We as parents have the primary responsibility to rectify this steadily worsening situation; firstly, we must take back and own our duty as parents as the primary educators and caretakers of our children. 

The village can certainly provide a helping hand, but at the end of the day, the buck stops with the parent(s).  We need to do better. 

We need to re-learn algebra if necessary; we need to feed our kids a healthy breakfast before they leave in the morning and have them pack a healthy lunch to take with them; we need to shut off our electronic devices and talk with our children about their friends, their fears, their challenges and their dreams; we need to teach our children respect for and tolerance for all people and all opinions whether or not that view is popular or supported by the latest YouTube star or Hollywood actor; we need to choose schools based on the strength of their academic offerings and not on the number of state basketball championships. 

Politicians and communities need to encourage (and fund) innovative solutions to the challenges young people are experiencing; this will allow new organizations (governmental, non-profit, and for-profit) with separate teams and targeted missions to be charged with those responsibilities.  School administrators and teacher unions and school boards must also advocate for their teachers and refocus on their primary mission – education.  They must have the courage to say ‘no’ to mission creep, even if that means sacrificing the dollars that come with the ask.

Certainly, collaboration and mutual support are critical to achieve success for our young people, but the days of placing all the world’s problems on the front mat of our local schools need to be behind us.  This system is failing our kids.